mad world, outlive me.

stuck on repeat this week. wish i could focus on something a little more upbeat, but i'm just in that kind of mood lately.

i just don't think i'll ever get over you; growth, change.

so beautiful. i can't stop listening to it. i think that most people know this feeling, whether it's for someone we have known, someone we wish we had known, or someone who got away. we all have our stories. it's a little ache that you don't feel all the time that just exists inside you, only occasionally reminding you that it's there - of course, when you least expect it. 

i wish the mixtape/cd hadn't gone out of style. there's something quite less ... intimate, perhaps? about handing off your USB stick to someone so they can copy your files, or saying like, "hey listen to my spotify playlist!" there was nothing like receiving a tape or cd from someone, all wrapped up and decorated, with the tracks handwritten on the outside. it was great to receive something so thoughtful, so personal. i'd take a mixtape over a store-bought gift any day.

now, to switch gears before i get all wistful and weepy.

(yes, i know i need a trim)

so i think it's been 1 year and 4 months now since my last relaxer! the road was bumpy with this hair, let me tell you. to anyone who's had chemically straightened hair their entire life who thinks they're going to go natural - do your research! be prepared for a looooot of trial and error! i hope you're patient! all of those exclamation points are for a reason!!! seriously. i am where i would like to be as far as texture and manageability go, but health and strength and length leave quite a bit to be desired at this point. i need to keep a much closer eye on my nutrition and supplements - really, my health in general (stress = death, or to be less dramatic, hair loss). your hair can only as healthy as the rest of your body, right?

my most recent discovery is this new garnier fructis moroccan oil treatment. it was super cheap at target so i figured i'd try it out, and it works great! not only does it smell lovely, but my hair is softer, shinier, less tangly, and doesn't frizz out the second i walk into a steamy bathroom or pass by a pot of boiling water. i used a little just before my blowout (along with some silk drops) and couldn't believe how much more easily i could press it afterwards. good stuff. next i'm going to try their intensely smooth leave in conditioning cream. some of the reviewers complained that it made their hair greasy, so it's probably just the thing for me since my hair is so dry i'm a wildfire risk.

now that i've got my products mostly under control (still searching for a hardcore anti-humidity solution though), i'm excited to trim the damage, eat well, and see how much growth the new year brings me!

recurring dreams.

i don't dream as much as i used to anymore because i don't really sleep very well these days. my problem used to be that i could never fall asleep, but now instead i fall asleep easily, waking up all throughout the night.

i used to keep a dream journal, and i suppose i could say that i still keep it if it doesn't matter that i haven't written in it in 3 years. most of my dreams are too fragmented, too impressionistic and fleeting for me to record, so i just let them go. but there have been a couple that pop up frequently enough that i am able to remember the impression at least, and i think they are interesting and worth remembering at this time in my life.

the first one is a setting that i often find myself in - sometimes it is the main setting, and sometimes it is only a stop or destination in my dream journey. a very high end beachfront home. i am always inside or just in the doorway or under the awning of this amazing house that sometimes belongs to my parents, sometimes me, or sometimes a particular one my friends. it's cool and the weather is perfect, and i am always in the shade. after a few times that i dreamed of this place, i started to remember the very distinct presence of deep shade, high sand dunes visible from the windows, whitewashed wood. cornflower blue and yellow decor.

this second one comes up the most, and is always the main setting of the dream. i am in a house that is very much like my own house, but isn't quite the same. i know that i live there, because in the dream i am content with my existing living space, yet when i start to explore my house i am very excited to find a previously undiscovered floor that is nearly identical to one of the other floors of my home. it's old, out of date, dusty, and clearly unused but overall not in bad shape, and will require little work to make it livable. mostly cleaning and cosmetic changes. one of the things i always notice is the little 70's kitchenette that seems strangely situated given the floor plan, but i am delighted to have the extra space. every time i discover this floor in my dreams i am excited and inspired to use it, and think to myself that i don't even need the space, but having it will really be wonderful and an opportunity for me to have a little spot away from everything else.

this one is so interesting to me. i looked it up and found a comment thread in which many other people had the exact same type of dream and reaction to it, but no real explanation yet. i wonder what my subconscious is trying to say?

one site suggests that these rooms may symbolize some kind of emerging hidden potential, growth, or development. maybe a big change approaching in life. this other site suggests that one think of the house as the soul, and its rooms as different facets of personality, or perhaps experiences of the dreamer. i thought this was relevant:

investigating the house can signal a beginning selfdiscovery by which the dreaming develops new sides in himself - particularly if the house was known, but had different rooms. The discovery of a new space in own house can mean the exposure of a new side of the personality or predict quick changes.

 hmm! of what am i on the cusp? i will investigate this further.

moonlight, night.

i think a lot about 10-12 years ago, so many nights spent in the backs of cars on moonlit nights, dead of winter.

i remember always trying to find a gas station that was open late, then getting gas and coffee, driving into the country, into the woods, down long winding roads. we were never going anywhere. so often neither of us saying anything at all for miles and miles. i remember being bundled up in my coat, my nose freezing as i looked up through the open moon roof. no worries, just stars.

Venus and cresent moon-25 by Darren Forde, on Flickr

i loved driving in the summer, too - my clothes whipping up with the wind, hair flying everywhere, crickets and cicadas singing in the fields around us. but there was nothing like the intimacy of the winter, closed up and pleasantly claustrophobic inside the car. we'd sit parked at the edge of a field with foggy rolled up windows, looking at the moon through the bare skeletons of trees, sometimes sneaking kisses in the dark, but mostly contemplating our lives. talking about what ifs and would you evers, radio down low. i really miss that.

DSC_0244_HayWagonsInTheMoonlight by jackdtonoavail, on Flickr

i don't miss that person, but i miss that feeling. i miss the company of an introvert. sometimes i need to just be, to sit in the dark in the middle of nowhere under the moon and listen to the sound of the trees. being with an extrovert, silence is a language i miss speaking. it's always kinetic energy, noise and hustle. i don't just want to slow down, i want to sit still. i need a limitless night of some whispered, some wordless hours. a night of nowhere to be. just ... getting away for a while, until my cup of chai goes cold and my eyelids grow heavy.  

i want to take my time, i want to take in the universe before us and watch the world turn. talk about our past and future lives, fears, hopes and dreams.

give me one beautiful, selfish night. to remember who i am.